PREVIEWS AND PREDICTIONS by Chris "Smooch" Moncrief

The Fast Plastic National Championship Tournament of 2007 boasts the best teams that the wiffle world has to offer. That’s right, a “melting pot” of bizarre humanity is about to descend upon Cedar Park, Texas. This venue is one of few that will host overweight rednecks, loud-mouthed Yankees, obnoxious left coasters, prepubescent boys, and old men in denial. With such an array of talent, age, personality, and legal status, many observations and questions come to mind.

Will the walker arrive in time for Thunder’s first game?

Will “God’s waiting room”otherwise known as the Dream Police bench be able to lube up DP’s joints for a solid round robin? Speaking of joints, Run Factory is back this year.

My brother once dropped an F-Bomb while nailing a Ball Bustaz off the high dive.

Also, I feel one thing gives the Las Vegas Wifflers a distinct advantage; “legalized prostitution.”

Will the EC Wifflebrawlers arrive late after airport security detains them and confiscates their Tsatziki?

RICKLE PICKLE sounds like an STD. So does Rabid Woodpeckers. DGA sounds like a hallucinogenic drug from the 1970's.
Yo A-Team, why is my Murdock action figure yellow? Yo Power Alley, does Troup actually call out his own name in bed? Slimetime, Remember the Name, Gashouse Gorillas...I got nuthin’. Let’s move on to tournament predictions.

The round of 32 brings frustration for the Fin Daddys when Doug is arrested outside of “Bone Daddy’s” for violating Austin’s “bad touch” law. To make things worse, TJ suffers an aneurism while celebrating a teammate’s home run.

Niff will storm into the “elite eight” smelling like bourbon and vomit. The Knights make an unexpected exit when FP forces Nord to actually wear two sleeves on his shirt. Hitsom advances to the final four before it’s discovered that Elvin’s arm is in reality one of those Luke Skywalker Jedi prosthetics. They are disqualified and hang themselves. CCX wins the “weirdest team” award but nothing else as they fall in the “elite eight”.

The boys from Doom find themselves huddling with the other New England teams having a self-gratifying discussion of New England’s wiffle superiority. They miss “first pitch” and are disqualified. Top Gun is banned from the “sweet sixteen” and all future tournaments due to their support of Scientology. Unfortunately for Light Out, Nick T tries D-Caff for the first time and flounders in the round of thirty two.

Golden State Wiffle is defeated and suddenly decides to change their name to one a little more “heterosexual”. Big East, Big Sticks, Vipers, East County Wiffle Crew, and Running Wiff Scissors all join hands to sing “kum ba ya” as their tournament comes to an end.

Meanwhile the Gunners and Unarmed storm over and run under all challengers to advance to the championship game!!!

“...We’d like to welcome you to Munchkin Land!!!!” The Gunners and Unarmed meet in a “manage’e’deux” of wiffle pain in the final match up. Unarmed slugger David attempts to gain an advantage when he eats Martello in the first inning. This forces Derek back to the flathill. This epic battle, between two pitchers who aren’t even tall enough to ride a roller coaster, goes thirteen innings until Unarmed’s own Eric ends the contest with a 200 ft walkoff home run. The celebration reaches a fever pitch when suddenly Derek begins sobbing uncontrollably. David “consoles” him and is immediately signed by the Gunners.

The annual weekend is a raging success! Final tally: 158 home runs, five no-hitters, one perfect ball game, 1,905 strikeouts, and one deportation(gonna miss you Med).